All roads lead to Corfu - 3

The Final Episode... The Return

"Look dad" says youngest kid, "look at all those boats" "look at all those boats in the water" "yeah dad" says eldest kid " and there is no wind" We had been parked on the quay at Corfu harbour for 3 hours. Marathon man, having made a mental note of the trials of the outbound journey was taking no chances. We left early but the ferry didnt. The ferry was late. Marathon man, had filled the petrol tank to within an inch of its life the day before we left, had he done it the day we left, there would be no part three of this story....

It was August 23rd, late evening and still lovely and hot. We were dressed in just shorts & vests I had packed some clean essentials for the following day in a small holdall to take into our 4 berth cabin. Organised. I had the tickets & passports. Organised. I had even arranged for all our family to send eldest kids birthday cards in advance of our trip. Organised. August 25th was eldest kids 16th birthday. She would be spending it strapped into the back of a car being driven through Italy. Her cards were safely in the holdall. Organised. What I didnt have, of course, was the map. Disorganised. There was something else I didnt have, but for the life of me I couldnt work out what it was...

We had plenty of provisions, plenty of water, snacks, juices & some beers for our night cruise to Brindisi. We would arrive in Brindisi on the morning of the 24th August. We were finally able to board our ferry, no having to reverse on, this was going too well, to easy.. We located our cabin. Problem, our 4 berth cabin had somehow become a 1 berth cabin. Marathon man attempted to have us moved to a larger cabin, but it wasnt to be, all the large cabins were taken. There were only a couple of 1 berths left but we were unable to use them without paying extra! I was fuming, so I went off and found the empty 1 berths and nicked the matresses. At least we now had 1 bed and 2 spare matresses. There wasnt enough space to put 2 matresses side by side so we put one on top of the other and gave it to the kids. As marathon man was doing all the driving (dont feel sorry for him, he thrives on it) we agreed he should have the bed, my bed for the night was comprised of 2 white plastic chairs facing each other on the deck! It was fine, it was unusually warm, the nearer we got to Italy the warmer it became. I was fine. I was bloody uncomfortable. I returned to our cabin in the early hours of the morning, closed the door and just lay awkwardly on the  sleeping bodies of my family! It was raining. We disembarked from the ferry ( the right way thank god) and proceeded to find our way through the madness that is Brindisi. It was raining a lot.

"Right then" says marathon man, "which way"? This was it, the moment I had been dreading... "erm.... straight ahead" says I, as confidently as I could muster. "You sure"? "yep, strraaaiiight ahead Captain"!! So thats what he did, unfortunately, straight ahead eventually has roads leading off it... "which way now, co-pilot"? "ermm.... right.. no, hang on, left, yeah left, I recognise that shoe shop"! He stops the car.. "best to be certain rather than to guess sweetheart! lets consult the oracle".... "the oracle.?.. says I ,dont be daft Captain, its more fun this way.. I know, lets see if we can get all the way home WITHOUT consulting the oracle" OK says marathon man, where is it? "where`s what"? "the map" "what map" "THE map" "ohh... THE map" "its in the goat" "WHAT GOAT"! "THE bloody goat" He looks odd... "Are you telling me that we dont have a map"?? "well" says I.... "are you telling me we dont have a boat cover"!!!! "what the hell does a boat cover have to do with us not having a map"?? "well excuse me... but if you can lose a whole boat cover to a goat, why are you surprised that we lost a tinsy winsy bit of paper to a goat"! I am glad that I know how to put people in the recovery position.... never had to do it for real before... but it looked as though this was going to be my first time! The thing that was worrying me, was that if this goat was smart, he knew exactly where to find me!

We drove on... in silence, apart from the sniggering and the odd little goat impressions that were eminating from the back seat. We did find our main road and proceeded to return back up the length of Italy. We approached the motel where we had stayed on our outward journey... "Oh dad... can we..." "NO" silence.... we keep driving. The rain has turned into a torrent, the skies are black, the lightening is incredile, the thunder deafening. I am gasping for a ciggie, I look at the kids, "hey kids, there is a loo up ahead, need to go"? "no" they chorous, "well I really think you should, god knows how long till we see another one" "Mum, admit it.. you just want a fag" "Yessss I want a fag...I have been in this car all day, I need to get out"! He stops the car. He pulls into a layby and actually stops the car. "there you go" "go have your fag" "but there is no shelter... I will get soa...... " I look at him, he knows I will get soaked, he hasnt forgiven me. I get out of the car, in my shorts and vest and within seconds I am drenched. I climb into the back of our coverless boat, sit on the floor and have my ciggie. I look at our suitcases, our fabric suitcases. OMG everything is soaked. I cry.

We travel on until 9.pm when finally, we need to refuel. I, suffering from oxygen poisoning fall out of the car, it is still raining but now it feels cold. Marathon man proceeds to fill up, the kids go running to the loo, I smoke as many ciggies as I can in the hope that it will make me feel sick and therefore not want another one for another 8 hours. Marathon man goes to pay. Marathon man comes back. "wheres the wallet"? "the wallet"? "I dont have it" "you had it last when you refueled in Corfu"....S***T where is the wallet?... THAT was it.... that was what I couldnt remember... I couldnt remember seeing the wallet since marathon man had refueled... Holy C**P... I really didnt have it. "OK everyone, lets just stay calm, we will go through the car and the boat and we will FIND THE WALLET" No wallet.

"Happy birthday kiddo"!! "Whhaddaya mean"? "my birthdays tomorrow mum".. "Oh no its not kid, its today, its now, get those cards open! "Mum you cant do that"! " Baby, unless you want daddy to go to jail for stealing a full tank of fuel ( I stop myself from enjoying the possibility ) we HAVE to do it now"! "look, I will even sing... happy birthday to you..... come on everyone, SING"! That poor kid, I have always insisted that when birthday cards arrive, every verse, every handwritten word is read and appreciated. I have always told my kids to imagine the sender of their card standing in a shop and choosing a card especially for them. Today, I am a mad woman. "How MUCH did you get from nanny"! I was grabbing the notes from under her nose, oh thank you mother of mine for sending her money! I knew I had put £100 in her card from us, an announcement I made before she had even opened her card! In total she had £270.00! In reality, she had nothing. She had been mugged by marathon man and her dreadful mother.

Now we had the problem of explaining to the garage that we (by that, I mean marathon man) had lost all our credit cards, cash, currency. All we had was our daughters birthday money and it was in sterling. It couldnt get much worse. The man was nice, he took our sterling, that man was a git, he ripped us off. We didnt care, marathon man wasnt going to jail today. If only marathon man had topped up in Corfu the same day as our return journey, none of this would have happened.

Now we are seriously p****d off. There was no way we could stay the night anywhere, we are drenched, cold and in need of family counselling. We pull into a layby, the kids cuddle each other, suddenly not very sure if they should keep us as parents. We try to catch a few hours sleep. It only seemed like a few minutes, but in reality we had stopped for about 4 hours.It was time to hit the road again. Eldest kid had been 16 for 1 hour.

Marathon man drove and drove and drove we made a few stops for calls of nature and a packet of crisps to be shared one by one. It was as though we had been stranded and had to ration everything to prevent us from dying as we stared at the road ahead.

The tunnel was open! Thank you god! Now, the more scientific readers will be able to explain this one to me, but this is what happened. We approached the mouth of the tunnel and then as soon as we had entered it... nothing... we could see absoloutly nothing... as if a great fog had instantly descended upon our windscreen. The traffic runs both ways through the tunnel. Two narrow lanes. EVERYTHING coming in the opposite direction was a flaming big jugganaut! Marathon man screams "wipe the bloody window woman" I wipe frantically " wipe the OUTSIDE not the inside"! Now, I dont know about you, but I was kind of reluctant to open my window, lift my body out of that window and wipe the outside of our screen. "but I will die"! I wailed. "If you dont do it, we will ALL bloody die"! So I did it. I screamed whilst I was doing it, but I did it. I couldnt reach all the way accross to marathon mans side so he had to lean right over to see through my side. I have never been so glad in all my life as I was when we exited that tunnel. Marathon Man continued to drive. He drove all the way to Lake Lucerne. We were back in Switzerland. It was still eldest kids birthday. It was still the 25th.

We found the hotel that we had stayed in previously and in the hope that they would remember us, we explained what had happened to us and asked if it would be ok to park in the car park. Oh and would it be ok if we slept in it too! They were very sweet and very sympathetic ( not so sympathetic to give us a bed mind you)! They said that under the circumstances it would be fine and would we be dining!! Dining! do you know how much it costs to eat in Switzerland?! We looked like a bunch of travellers! Bedraggled and we felt rotten. I would have given anything at that moment for a bath. We said we were fine and that we probably would not be dining! Bless them, they took pity on us and asked us if we would like some spaghetti on the house, we were so grateful! That was the best meal we had had in an age! So, fed and watered we walked back to the car and prepared to settle down for the night. Marathon man said "sorry for losing the money" I said "sorry for losing the map" the kids were just sorry full stop! We settled the kids down and we tried to sleep. We dozed on and off, but we just couldnt sleep. Marathon man looked at me and said "shall we"? I said "Yeah, lets do it" Marathon man drove. He kept driving till we reached Calais. We were exactly 1 day early.

England. This actually was the hardest leg of the journey we were like the walking dead only we looked a bit rougher! I dont know why, but it always seems the nearer you get to the end of a nightmare the futher away the end seems. Poor marathon man, I am sure I could see his beard growing! I didnt dare look in a mirror! We had to drive from Dover back to Rochester to where our boat yard was and finally dis-engage our poor old car from its task. We unloaded our suitcases and squeezed them into the back of the car between the kids. We put the boat to bed. We then proceeded to drive the last lap back home. We arrived back home with 2 hours of the 26th to go. Exhausted. The kids were walking up the stairs, when I called out to eldest kid and said "happy birthday love" She looked at me and replied "thanks mum, next year though a meal will do"!! "Oh and you owe me £270"! Marathon man & I climbed the stairs he said "do you think it was worth it" "worth it"? I replied, "damn right I think it was worth it"! "we had a hellava time"! he just laughed and said "I knew you would say that" "next year then"? I stopped in my tracks....."dont you even think about it"! "ask me again in 20 years"!

Well thats my story, that was 9 years ago, so I am safe for another 11, but I promise you this, if he asks me, I`m dancing!!

Yammas, with love to my real home, Corfu  Angie x